standing at the back in my sissy robe

July 16, 2009

flogging a dead horse

Filed under: Bitchin 'n' Moanin,Diversions — Tamarind @ 9:56 am

Okay, I promise, I promise I’m going to leave Arthas: The Rise of Lich King alone. Any day now. Any … day … now …

I think I must have been badly traumatised by both its madness and its comically negative impact on my life because, for some reason, I just can’t stop picking at it. But since it’s a scab on the skinned knees of fiction, I suppose that’s fair enough.

I just want to share one more line before I set it on fire (since nobody wants it – but whyyyy? Did I fail to sell it to you somehow). Now, y’know Illidan Stormrage, right? Fantastically cool looking, half-mad, eyeless, demonic night elf. The betrayer, although it was he who was betrayed? The Lord of Outland? He for whom we are not prepared? That guy?

Well, would you ever write this about him: “Sweat gleamed on his massive, lavender-hued torso.” I’m okay with the sweat, I’m okay with the massive, I’m okay with the torso but what the fuck is with the lavender. LAVENDER? Illidan Stormrage is LAVENDER? Lavender is the colour of Grandmas. It is the colour of pot pourri. It is the colour of bath oil. It is in no way the colour of a fantastically cool looking, half-mad, eyeless, demonic night elf.

Goddamn you Christie Golden, is there anything else you’d like to WRECK around here?

Why don’t you take Darth Vadar and make him a whiny emo teenager…oh wait, somebody’s already done that.

Putting aside (for the moment, if it’s even possible) my accumulating rage and bile, I think the other problem I had when I was reading Arthas: Rise of the Lich King was that I found it quite hard to let go of the game behind it, if that makes sense. I couldn’t quite suspend my disbelief. Now, I know that’s my own problem, but I suspect part of the reason behind it was the general awfulness of the book making me most unwilling to give it an inch, let alone start dangling my disbelief over a dark chasm of doom.

But it did make for some unintentionally comic moments.

Like this:

Book: [9 year old] Arthas flipped back the hood of his beautifully embroidered red runecloth cap
My brain: Hey, wait a minute, there’s no way Arthas is high level enough to wear runecloth

Book: He had thought he found well with his blessed hammer, now lying discarded and forgotten in the icy vault where Frostmourne had once been imprisoned but it was nothing to the damage he dealt now.
My brain: Well Frostmourne is clearly a legendary weapon, isn’t it? The hammer was probably only a blue.

Book: The dancer, a shaman by the name of Kamiku, missed a step and his hoof struck awkwardly.
My brain: *imagines the cow dance*

And once you go down that route, you can just run with it and run with it and run with it…

The herd of shoveltusk huddled together for warmth, their thick, shaggy coats protecting them from the worst of the storm. But not the group of PCs who charged in and randomly slaughtered them all, even though they were yellow.

Or like this…

Arthas strode down the cobbled streets of Stormwind, the air ringing with the cry of a thousand traders: WTS: Eternal Fire, cheaper than on AH!

And again…

The words died in his throat as Mal’Gannis began to shimmer and whirl in a familiar pattern. “No!” Arthas shrieked. He surged forward, blindly, recklessly, and would have been cut down in a heartbeat had the teleportation spell been completed. Arthas cried out incoherently, swinging his faintly glowing hammer at empty air. “I’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth if I have to! Do you hear me? To the ends of the earth!” Manic, raging, screaming, he swung his hammer wildly at nothing until sheer exhaustion alone forced him to lower it. He propped it up and leaned on it, sweating, shaking with raw sobs of frustration and anger. “WTB port Northrend!” he howled.

And even…

“This entire city must be purged.”
Arthas’s statement was blunt and brutal. Jaina blinked. Surely he hadn’t meant that.
“How can you even consider that?” Uther cried, marching up to his former student. “Do it at 80, noob!”

Okay. For the sake of my sanity, and yours, I’m stepping way from Arthas now. I’m stepping away…

28 Comments »

  1. Stepping away? But it’s inspired so many hilarious stories!

    (My fiance remarks “Yes, but at what cost?”)

    And to think, I was about to go to sleep =P Damn you Tam, keeping me awake!

    Comment by Kiryn — July 16, 2009 @ 10:47 am | Reply

    • Keeping you and poor Khoa awake, I feel guilty now =P

      And, yes, terrible personal cost. I still bear the literary scars.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 16, 2009 @ 3:51 pm | Reply

      • Of course, the downside to reading your post before I go to sleep is that I have no new post to read during my lunch break =(

        If I were reading through that section on the Culling of Stratholme, I would be mentally adding in the voices of the five random adventurers who are doing all the work for him and constantly yelling “Walk faster, ya noob! We’re trying to do a timed event here!” I know I always do.

        Comment by Kiryn — July 16, 2009 @ 9:33 pm

  2. add scarring the dogs with my maniacal laughter to the list of crimes committed by this book (even though indirectly)

    incidentally – I was just at the library yesterday, looking at new release shelf and what do I see, but…yes you guess it – Arthas: Rise of the lich king.

    so of course I had to take it out :P

    Comment by leah — July 16, 2009 @ 11:33 am | Reply

    • This book is racking up victims. I hope you don’t suffer too much through the readering of it. Seriously, be careful, I think it might be the literary equivelent of toxic =P

      Glad to have amused you though :)

      Comment by Tamarind — July 16, 2009 @ 3:53 pm | Reply

      • You know how when there’s a particularly gruesome car crash you just HAVE to wander over and have a look? Morbid curiosity? Yup, that’s right. You’ve made me want to read the book…

        Comment by Sierro — July 17, 2009 @ 9:16 am

  3. Yes, I think it’s time for you to put the book down. Perhaps the spiritual follow-up to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies should suffice? There’s nothing like a good dose of Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters to undermine the silliness that was Wrath; at least with S&S&SM, the author is very much self-aware of the cheese. At least, that’s the impression that I get from their official cinematic trailer.

    Comment by krizzlybear — July 16, 2009 @ 11:37 am | Reply

    • That is a fantastic trailer. Made my morning.

      Unfortunately I’m doomed to wander the swamp of moderately bad books a while longer – I’m obliged to read something for review purposes and I’m not getting on with it at all.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 16, 2009 @ 3:57 pm | Reply

  4. “Hey, wait a minute, there’s no way Arthas is high level enough to wear runecloth”

    Brilliant

    Comment by Misneach — July 16, 2009 @ 3:09 pm | Reply

    • And he’s a plate-wearing class anyway. Even at the age of 9. What was he thinking =P You need to give him some tanking tips, the kid is totally clueless.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 16, 2009 @ 3:58 pm | Reply

      • Yeah, he does a crap job in CoS, too. Guy’s a n00b.

        Comment by Misneach — July 16, 2009 @ 4:12 pm

  5. Oh God. Why have I never seen this blog before? I’ve been too long away from the world of WoW-blogs! :<
    But no, really. I've just been thinking about the book as some pretty dull book with facts I mostly know already. A hyped book, yes. But nothing I've cared about reading. Now I need to get my hands on that damned book! I need to read more about this lavender torso and runecloth. Just for giggles.

    Comment by magicandmadness — July 16, 2009 @ 3:40 pm | Reply

    • Thank you for your kind words. BUT, DEAR GOD, DON’T READ THE BOOK IT’S TERRIBLE! Ahem. Sorry. I’ve just torturing myself with it for the past couple of days and I feel like I should embark on some holy crusade to save people from the horror that is Arthas: Rise of the Lich King. Actually, it is quite gigglesomely bad occasionally, and it has enlivened my blogging so I should probably be grateful. *shudder*

      Comment by Tamarind — July 16, 2009 @ 4:09 pm | Reply

  6. OMG I’m ***dying*** And I’m not kidding Tamarind, you and I have a book to write together. Seriously. I’m going to email you. Seriously.

    Comment by lantanasham — July 16, 2009 @ 3:54 pm | Reply

    • Don’t die, it’d impoverish my blog-reading considerably =P

      I fear for the sanity of anyone attempting to read a book written by us … but I’m game for anything :)

      As long as we don’t put lavender torsos in it.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 16, 2009 @ 4:04 pm | Reply

  7. Just a question: Is flogging a dead horse bestiality or necrophilia ?? ;)

    Great Blog.

    Comment by Saunder — July 17, 2009 @ 12:20 am | Reply

    • Thank you kindly.

      And you’ve clearly thought about it more than I have … but regardless it’s clearly sadomasochistic bestiality or necrophilia ;)

      (Ah, my blog, wholesome fun for all the family :P)

      Comment by Tamarind — July 17, 2009 @ 9:12 am | Reply

  8. Keep flogging man.

    I am loving this stuff!

    Comment by Kristine — July 17, 2009 @ 1:54 am | Reply

    • Thank you, I’m really glad you were amused :) But I think unless I’m planning to raise the horse as a zombie I need to leave it alone now :)

      Comment by Tamarind — July 17, 2009 @ 1:01 pm | Reply

  9. I’m weeping with laughter. My guy has all the WoW books and occasionally one will find itself in our bathroom, where I will inevitably pick it up and read.

    My fondest memory is glancing through one of the books and every other page had to do with Rhonin’s nose which had obviously been broken before or Illidan’s eyes which were amber. Amber eyes. Eyes of amber. Eyes like Amber waves of grain. Every. Other. Page.

    I’ll get my lore from WoWWiki, thanks.

    Please keep up this blog. It’s pure win.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 17, 2009 @ 2:49 am | Reply

    • Illidan has a LAVENDER torso and AMBER eyes? Dear god, the poor bastard. All this time I thought he was hardcdore and he’s actually my grandmother.

      I’m slightly disappointed now that the fight between Arthsa and Illidan didn’t include a line like: “Arthas stared at Illidan with his sea-green eyes and Illidan looked right back with his amber ones.”

      Thank you for your kind words about the blog – I’m delighted to have entertained.

      And I’ve developed an amazing new enthsuiasm from WoWWIki after Arthas: Rise of the Lich King.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 17, 2009 @ 1:04 pm | Reply

  10. Arthas tried always heard voices, he destroyed Lordaeron to be rid of them…they never cease….[Devastate] Anal…..Anal [Mutilate]…..Meet the Murlocks……MAKE THEM STOP!!!

    Seriously though, this is an awesome blog. I love the humor. Reminds me a bit of Jong over at forbearance before he packed it in.

    Comment by Darraxus — July 17, 2009 @ 3:54 am | Reply

    • Ahahahah!

      In fact … the book itself supports you.

      …unwelcome memories seemed to dart at him like flies as he ascended, putting on booted foot in front of the other. Words phrases, images came back to him. “Lol noob!” “LF enchanter!”

      Thank you so much for the kind words, I’m really glad to have amused you. Although comparing me to Jong is way better than I deserve :)

      Comment by Tamarind — July 17, 2009 @ 1:07 pm | Reply

  11. <blockquoteBook: The dancer, a shaman by the name of Kamiku, missed a step and his hoof struck awkwardly.
    My brain: *imagines the cow dance*
    I thought this exact same thing when I read that line. from the book. I won the book in a contest a few months back. It’s definitely not the best book I’ve read.

    Comment by deimonia — July 17, 2009 @ 10:44 am | Reply

    • Well, I guess we can just console ourselves that at least it wasn’t the belf dance.

      At least you didn’t pay actual real money for the damn thing…

      Comment by Tamarind — July 17, 2009 @ 1:08 pm | Reply

  12. The general trend seems to be to avoid movies that are made on games, especially if they are made by Uwe Boll. So now I’ll just step around the books too!

    Comment by Carra — July 17, 2009 @ 11:56 am | Reply

    • Probably advice to live by.

      Also: games made from movies. They tend to be terrible as well.

      I guess things don’t transfer from one medium to another the way people would like them to.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 17, 2009 @ 1:09 pm | Reply

  13. [...] Har de har har! [...]

    Pingback by /AFK – July 19 « Bio Break — July 19, 2009 @ 5:27 pm | Reply


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