standing at the back in my sissy robe

July 14, 2009

Now I know why Kael’thas can’t get laid

Filed under: Diversions — Tamarind @ 9:12 am

In a moment of what I can only assume was utter utter, potentially masochistic insanity I started reading the Arthas novelisation. And, oh dear me, it’s terrible. I don’t know why I’m even remotely surprised.

It’s written in a weird mixture of rather modern English (to the extent that, in my head, Arthas sounds like he’s played by Keannu Reeves) and ye old fantasy clunkiness. Let me quote you a paricularly egregious line from the very first page: “long had he lived, the length and yellowness of his tusks and the wrinkles on his brown skin testament to the fact.” I’m sorry but nobody has the right to write “long had he lived” and then cruelly juxtapose it with the adjective-abuse that is “yellowness.” It’s also incredibly laboured. Every trite point is whacked into your face as if by the hammer of righteoness. Take this little discussion beween 9 year old Arthas and Prince Varian, whose father has just been assassinated.

“He was assassinated,” Varian’s voice was blunt and emotionless.

Arthas stared. Death in glorious battle was difficult enough to handle but this-

Impulsively he placed a hand on the other Prince’s arm. “I saw a foal being born yesterday,” he said. It sounded inane [no shit], but it was the first thing that sprang to his mind and he spoke earnestly. “When the weather lets up, I’ll take you to see him. He’s the most amazing thing.”

Varian turned towards him and gazed at him for a long moment. Emotions flitted across his face – offense, disbelief, gratitude, yearning, understanding. Suddenly the brown eyes filled with tears and Varian looked away. He folded his arms and hunched in on himself, his shoulders shaking with sobs he did his best to muffle…

“I hate winter,” Varian sobbed, and the depth of his hurt conveyed by those three siimple words, a seeming non-sequiteur, humbled Arthas.

Well, thanks for joining the emotional dots for me with a crayon. Otherwise I might not have got it and thought that was, heaven forefend, a genuine non-sequiteur

And could we please have a different description of Arthas’s eyes. I understand they’re sea-green. But can they be a different green sometimes? Maybe glass-green? Or grass-green? Howsabout cat-green? Or since you haven’t dodged a single cliche thus far, I’d settle for jade, or malachite.

One more thing while I’m at it. Arthas. Arthas. Arthas. Why the fuck did you call your horse Invincible? Seriously, do you have no understanding of dramatic irony, you silly silly boy?

But ultimately Arthas: Rise of the Lch King is an easy read, as effortless and compelling as slightly stale cinema popcorn. And I’m in it for Kael, anyway, which brings me effortlessly back to the topic of this post.

The one redeeming of factor of the whole enterprise is that I get to see Kael in action because, as we know, I’m a bit of a fanboy for the tragic, soliquising nutter. Unfortunately, I don’t think Ms Golden is quite up to the task because he mostly comes across as, well, I hate to say it, flouncy:

With an angry hiss, he scornfully tossed the book toward Jaina. The tome, likely invaluable, landed with a thump at Jaina’s feet and she started at the sound. Then he was gone in a swirl of violet and gold robes.

Kael’thas Sunstrider, Prince of the Sin’dorei, storming out the room in his sissy robes, while making a noise like a cat when you’ve stood on its tail. Way to go.

We first encounter him, he is attempting to chat up Jaina Proudmoore (why, Kael, why? Is she half your age plus seven, is she? Find yourself a nice belf boy) in the gardens of Dalaran and, quite frankly, the guy needs help.

“In Quel’Thalas,” came a smooth, cultured voice, “there are trees that tower over these in a glory of white bark and golden leaves, that all but sing in the evening breezes. I think you would enjoy seeing them someday.”

Oh Kael. What are you doing? In the immortal words of Dave Lister, you couldn’t pull a rotten tooth out a dead horse’s head with that one. Are you seriously trying to get it on with Jaina Proudmore by boasting about the size of your apple tree?

Okay, blogsphere, it’s evident to me – as I’m sure it must be evident to the rest of you – poor Kael’thas needs our help. I know his chances of pulling are relatively low, given that he’s canonically dead, but, from this example, I can’t imagine they’ve decreased by much.

I hereby present some alternative lines for him to try on future occasions, and invite you to do the same:

I’ll turn your world upside down

You are not prepared (for my penis)

Nothing of my homeland remains, but ash and sorrow – wanna shag?

Alas, sometimes one must take matters into one’s own hands, but I’d rather you handled it for me

Get your gilded thorium cloak, you’ve pulled.

Are you a rogue, because I think you just pickpocketed my heart.

I think Shattrath must be missing a Naaru.

I’m new in Dalaran. Could you give me directions to your bed?

Is there a dragonhawk rider nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

I’m the bloodsail buccaneer of love and I’m here for your booty.

Do you have a heavy netherweave bandage. Because I just hurt myself falling for you.

Do you have travel form? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

Excuse me, do you have any telaari grapes? No? How about a date?

Is it hot in here or are you just fire specced?

Did you use deathgrip, because you just pulled me?

Hi, will you help me find my phoenix? I think he went into my bedroom.

Alternatively, he could just give up on the pointless bintiness of Jaina Proudmoore and make a play for Arthas. In which case, I suggest he should open with this:

“Is that an ancient runeblade forged by the Lich King Ner’zhul to steal souls and free him from the frozen throne, that he may seek vengeance against the burning legion in your pocket … or are you just pleased to see me?”



  1. Sunstrider? I never even touched ‘er.

    Comment by MomentEye — July 14, 2009 @ 10:51 am | Reply

    • Hehehe! This is so childish, but I fear it’s never going to get old 🙂

      Comment by Tamarind — July 14, 2009 @ 11:07 am | Reply

  2. I’m the bloodsail buccaneer of love and I’m here for your booty.

    THIS. If I lived in Azeroth and some guy used this on me, I would be forced to marry him.

    Comment by Lhian — July 14, 2009 @ 11:47 am | Reply

    • I’ll let Kael know – and send him off to grind rep with the Bloodsail bucaneers so can wear the pirate hat as well…

      Comment by Tamarind — July 14, 2009 @ 1:47 pm | Reply

      • Don’t forget the eyepatch.

        Comment by Lhian — July 14, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

  3. Thank you, thank you! I placed several of these books in my shopping cart the other day, but my finger was held off the checkout button, as if blocked by some invisible force. You have saved me from a literary void zone, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

    My eyes are sea-green, in case you were wondering.

    Comment by Zaphind — July 14, 2009 @ 1:58 pm | Reply

    • God, Zaphind, quick, STEP AWAY FROM THE SHOPPING CART, do it right now! Consider this post a Secret Service style save from an incoming sanity assassination attempt.

      My eyes are brown. If anybody should ever write a book about me, I’m DOOMED!

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:30 am | Reply

  4. Did you just cast Whirlwind, cause you just blew me away.

    Comment by theerivs — July 14, 2009 @ 4:47 pm | Reply

  5. If you touch my floating orbs you may end up wiping.

    Comment by Misneach — July 14, 2009 @ 7:57 pm | Reply

    • I’m appalled I laughed at this … but oh I did, I did. You’re a bad bad man.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 14, 2009 @ 8:43 pm | Reply

      • I’m appalled that I wrote it >.>

        Comment by Misneach — July 15, 2009 @ 3:27 pm

  6. “You are not prepared (for my penis)”


    My personal favourite is “I must be under the hit cap, because I’ve been missing you a lot lately.”

    And is that some Kael/Arthas slash going on? If I were a yaoi fangirl, I’d be all over that like you wouldn’t believe.

    Comment by krizzlybear — July 14, 2009 @ 8:25 pm | Reply

    • Aahaha, that’s definitely a WoW classic.

      Oh Gawd, Kael/Arthas is not a happy thought, not helped by the fact that in the book they both have all the charisma of, well, a pair of longjaw mudsnappers.

      Although I think Ms Golden is definitely shipping Arthas/Ner’Zhul for a little inter-racial action. Indulge your inner 16 year old girl with this:

      “We are one, Arthas. Together, we are the Lich King. No more Ner’zhul, no more Arthas—only this one glorious being. With my knowledge, we can—”

      His eyes bulged as the sword impaled him.

      Arthas stepped forward, plunging the glittering, hungering Frostmourne ever deeper into the dream-being that had once been Ner’zhul, then the Lich King, and was soon to be nothing, nothing at all. He slipped his other arm around the body, pressing his lips so close to the green ear that the gesture was almost intimate, as intimate as the act of taking a life always was and always would be.

      “No,” Arthas whispered. “No we. No one tells me what to do. I’ve got everything I need from you—now the power is mine and mine alone. Now there is only I. I am the Lich King. And I am ready.”

      The orc shuddered in his arms, stunned by the betrayal, and vanished.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 14, 2009 @ 8:47 pm | Reply

      • Oh. mygawd.

        Seriously? This is seriously a scene from the novel? I swear I was reading something off of Fanfiction.Net just now…


        Comment by Lhian — July 14, 2009 @ 9:29 pm

      • Truthfully, I’d expect better from….

        Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:26 am

      • Oh my Lord, I just had the same reaction as Lhian. I was expecting something a little subtle, but that was just full on, cock-slap to the face pornography 😛

        And don’t knock, ok the writers are for the most part atrocious but at least they have some good ideas about what to write about.. sometimes…

        Now if we could just get Tam to write some more yaoi goodness, i feel we could all indulge the inner 16 year old girl to our heart’s content 😀 *hint hint*

        Comment by uke — July 18, 2009 @ 8:03 pm

      • I wasn’t knocking fanfic – I’ve certainly read plenty of it that I appreciated far more than Arthas: Rise of the Lich King.

        Also I think Kael has gone beyond the point subtle will do him any good. The guy clearly needs some action. Apple trees and violet robes… oh dear.

        Comment by Tamarind — July 19, 2009 @ 12:25 am

  7. hmm. I always thought Kael would use the cheesy lines. You know something like..

    “Jaina.. Why don’t we go somewhere together. There we can be together and I promise to be careful and gentle as I sheath my sword.”

    Or “Jaina.. have I ever told you how potent my Arcane Blast can be?”

    At least something.. /sigh.. so disappointing.

    Comment by Brigwyn — July 14, 2009 @ 8:34 pm | Reply

    • I suspect you may be correct – cheesy-sleazy is probably more his style (and I’m still convinced Jaina is his type, if you know what I mean) but the outright innuendo was such fun to write I couldn’t help myself 🙂

      I’m sure his arcane blast is, err, very potent.

      But, let’s face it, anything better than is “hey, come to Quel’Thalas and see my enormous apple tree.” 🙂

      Comment by Tamarind — July 14, 2009 @ 8:51 pm | Reply

      • @Tamarind I completely agree with you. “… See my apple tree?” WTH!? 😛

        Great post btw.. I’ve been laughing about it everytime I see a new link for it in Twitter.

        Great job

        Comment by Brigwyn — July 15, 2009 @ 1:23 am

      • I have failed to engage with Twitter at all (*technology terror*) but thank you for the kind words. I’m really glad it amused you.

        Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:27 am

  8. Such terrible things pass for writing these days. I own all of the WoW books up until the release of Burning Crusade, and some of them were rather good, but I was waiting for this one to go down in price (to the point where I can buy it for a few bucks at the online equivalent of the corner used book store) before I read it. Thanks for informing me that I’m not missing much.

    “I’m the bloodsail buccaneer of love and I’m here for your booty.” is SO full of win.

    Comment by Kiryn — July 14, 2009 @ 8:52 pm | Reply

    • I haven’t read much (err, any) tie-in fiction before so maybe there are different criteria for, y’know, what’s good. And I’m aware it must be a more restrictive medium in which to write, given the fact there’s an established canon you have to support … also I suppose there’s an element of the world already being shared, so as it require less writerly attention … but, no, no, it’s just bad. I’m sorry, I can’t be generous. It doesn’t deserve it.

      I kind of need to take Tam out to grind bloodsail buccaneer rep now, to get the title and the hat, so I can say the line =P I have to confess that one was my favourite 🙂

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:33 am | Reply

  9. Literary butchery aside, the Azerothian pick up lines had me guffawing all over the place =P

    Comment by Sylly — July 14, 2009 @ 10:07 pm | Reply

    • Huzzah! (sorry, I’m still in Nesinwary mode)

      I’m really glad they entertained you.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:34 am | Reply

  10. Totally made my day. Totally. ^_^

    I am so using the fire-specced one.

    Comment by Sprink — July 14, 2009 @ 10:34 pm | Reply

    • Thank you – I’m really pleased to have amused you 🙂

      Do let me know how many /slaps you acccumulate =P

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:36 am | Reply

  11. The phoenix one had me. How can you top that one? Although “you are not prepared” certainly came close. I love see-through pick-up lines! Thanks for the laugh. 😀

    Comment by Taz — July 14, 2009 @ 11:24 pm | Reply

    • Very much pleasure, I’m really happy to have entertained.

      I have to confess a fondness for the bloodsail buccaneer of love m’self – pirates references are the way to my heart, and possibly my bed =P

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:37 am | Reply

  12. well baby you can earthshock me anyday.

    Comment by lantanasham — July 15, 2009 @ 1:22 am | Reply

    • Hahaha!

      Hey, baby, wanna see my totem?

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 10:37 am | Reply

      • I’ve got a Magma Totem right here with your name on it, baby!

        I realised some time ago that WoW jokes are the PERFECT mood killer. If someone is making overtures you feel are unwelcome, somply start making sexualized WoW jokes and poof! All heat dissapates! This works best with people who also play WoW. 🙂

        Comment by lantanasham — July 15, 2009 @ 6:27 pm

  13. Jaina: Hmm? What did you say?

    Kael: I said, “You are mounted”

    Comment by Ysinnia — July 15, 2009 @ 3:20 am | Reply

  14. Speaking of books, I wish someone would step up to the challenge and actually finish the “Steamy Romance Novel” that you can pickpocket from blood elves around the world. That would be a perfect read for a lazy summer day by the pool.

    Comment by Tessy — July 15, 2009 @ 11:22 am | Reply

    • For the love of God, woman, don’t tempt me! I was so delighted when a rogue friend sent me this – funniest thing ever, and I’m entirely unsurprised that it’s topping the Bestseller lists in Silvermoon.

      Comment by Tamarind — July 15, 2009 @ 12:28 pm | Reply

      • Hmm, I think you would be excellent for the job – after starting to read your blog I now sometimes suffer the oddest feelings when I see green-haired male night elves. Is it fear? Attraction? Nausea? Passion? Curiosity? Aversion?

        Comment by Tessy — July 15, 2009 @ 2:47 pm

  15. Those pickup lines were just epic 😀 if you ever came up to me in a bar… *wink wink*

    LOL 😛

    Comment by uke — July 18, 2009 @ 8:05 pm | Reply

    • Want an excuse to throw your drink in my face, do you?

      (But I’m glad they amused you, I had a silly amount of fun coming up with them).

      Comment by Tamarind — July 19, 2009 @ 12:23 am | Reply

      • Haha, I wonder if i would have the guts to actually throw the drink in your face… I can’t help but wonder what would happen afterwards. Would you slowly slink away like they do in the movies? Would you run for the nearest bathroom to clean yourself up? Or would you just ‘stiff upper lip’ the whole thing and stand there as if nothing had happened, slowly turning away and walking back over to your friends as if there wasn’t coke and vodka dripping off your face?

        Intriguing. It seems like nothing in the movies, but i’d imagine it would be quite the debacle throwing your drink in someone’s face in real life.

        Comment by uke — July 20, 2009 @ 3:37 am

      • I actually can’t imagine anyone saying anything to me that would induce me to throw my drink in their face, and I’m glad to report I’ve never said anything that has induced anyone else to do it to me. =P Essentially I suppose, he says, over-thinking it as usual, unlike in the movies, I think flinging your drink in someone’s face says more about you than it does about the, err, flingee. It says less “this person is totally offensive” than “I get off on socially humiliating people.”

        I imagine slinking off is the only possible response.

        Comment by Tamarind — July 20, 2009 @ 11:49 am

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