standing at the back in my sissy robe

June 17, 2009

Patent Pending 100% Original, Fresh off the Cheese Press Guide to Healing UK

Filed under: Bitchin 'n' Moanin,Deathtards & Co.,UR Doing It Wrong — Tamarind @ 10:58 am

Today’s post is brought you to by a random thought generator (aka my brain)

Meta Random Thought of the Day

WordPress is making me feel like some kind of onanistic-narcissist.  Most of the automatically generated “possibly related” posts are to other posts on my own blog.  Wah!  Are you really telling me, WordPress, that I am my only source of interest on the entirety of the Internet?  Try harder, dammit, entertaining as I do find it to read my own backposts and think to myself how witty and erudite I am on the subject of World of Warcraft.

WoW Related Random Thought of the Day

Having silly adventures on Magister’s Terrace has confirmed something for me: I really dislike healing in Northrend.  And not just because of performance anxiety.  Now, putting aside for the moment that, as a healer, I don’t do anything anyway except stand at the back, wearing a sissy robe, let’s think for a moment about what I might hypothetically be doing.  I know it has been described as basically whack-a-mole (although, I have to say, it’s a macabre sort of whack-a-mole since it is the whack-a-mole-of-impending-DEATH) but, bizarre person that I am, it’s a whack-a-mole that interests me. When things get hairy, there’s a satisfaction in knowing that was the PW:S or that was the well-flung Frisbee that might have saved the day, in essence that the split-second, barely conscious decision to cast spell x on party member y was the best thing you could have done under that particular set of circumstances.

But in low-end Northrend there isn’t really any of that, or at least there hasn’t been in any of the instances I have run.  In fact, allow me to present my Patent Pending 100% Original, Fresh off the Cheese Press Guide to Healing UK (remember you read it here first folks, and also remember I Don’t Do Guides, so this uber cherry on-top-special)

Patent Pending 100% Original, Fresh off the Cheese Press Guide to Healing UK

Before Going In:

1) Assemble your team.

1 x Tank Made of Wet Paper

1 x 66-68 Level Mage

1 x Deathtard

1 x other DPS of your choice (for increased stupidity saturation, go for another Deathtard, but feel free to branch out into a hunter for maximum anguish)

1 x yourself (don’t forget your sissy robe!)

2) Prime your team

Be very careful here because you might have accidentally picked up someone competent.  But never fear there are still things you can do to address the situation.  Firstly, check to make sure nobody hails from Scandinavia.  If this is the case, kick them immediately, as there is a high possibility they will be both polite and capable.  Make sure the slightly-too-low-for-the-instance mage is wearing only Outland gear.  Ideally she should be just off the zep, still trundling her suitcase and her snow shoes behind her.  Ensure your Tank Made of Wet Paper (and this is one of the rare situations in which That Guy simply won’t do – if your tank is That Guy, get rid of him, his borderline ability to play the game will unbalance the whole enterprise) is lower level than any or all of the Deathtards.  This is really important.  They must be able to pull aggro off the tank at a moment’s notice.  A moment’s notice.  Now, then, the Deathtards.  These come in many flavours so a little extra attention will ensure you get the best of the bunch.   I would personally recommend a dual wielding Deathtard, without Nerves of Cold Steel (Nerves of Warm Spaghetti, perhaps).

3) You, Yourself and You

The important thing to bear in mind is that you are completely irrelevant to this instance. Your gear, however, has an important role to play.

4) Final Thoughts

Remember, you have all somehow spannered to level 70.  This is exactly the same as having skill.  There is, therefore, no need to buff each other.  Marking and crowd control are, of course, for sissies.  Encourage everyone to deploy a wide range of their abilities – death grip, in particular, should be used as soon as it is off CD.  Any pallys should feel absolutely at liberty to bubble.  If every fight isn’t a hysterical, chaotic ruck UR DOING IT WRONG.  And, finally, if at all possible, make sure one of your team members is in a rush.  Maybe his mum wants him to buy some milk from the corner shop in half an hour or his little sister wants to play Barbie Horse Fucker on the computer, possibly he’s just got ants in his greaves, but if he isn’t saying “Hurry plz” every two minutes, or every time you take a mana break, he’s not doing his bit for team morale.

The Main Shebang:

1) Trash Pulls

There are 2 scenarios here.

a)   Something has gone terribly wrong and the tank is holding aggro on all the mobs.  In this situation there is very little you can do.  Stand at the back in your sissy robe, polish your nails, throw the occasional greater heal at the tank.

b)   Everything is going the way it should: the DKs are racking up aggro but have no mitigation talents so are dying, the mage, is of course, in the red, the tank is running in circles, taunting at random, everybody is killing a different mob, an unnoticed caster is laying into you from a distance, the screen is awash in AoE spell affects, and nobody has a clue what’s going on really.  In this situation there is very little you can do.  Start spamming AoE heals frantically.  You will probably pull so much aggro that you will die in the next 30 seconds (nobody, of course, will notice).  But possibly your gear will carry you through, hurrah for all that int and spellpower, truly making a difference to the way you play.

2) Boss Fights

All the bosses have a combination of AoE attacks and/or random charge abilities.  Because of this there very little you can do in this situation.  Start spamming AoE heals frantically until you die.  Thankfully you have your gear.  If it is up to the challenge, you will win the day.

The Bottom Line

You can either heal UK or you can’t.  And that’s that.

Any questions?

“Oh no!  I can’t heal UK!  What can I do?”

Thankfully, you may breathe a sigh of relief because there are several solutions to this issue:

1) Lol lvl in Northrend, noob.  What my eloquent internal companion is trying to say (I call him the WoW Player In My Head) is: acquire better gear.

2) Try it again at level 75.  I’m sorry, what was that?  You wanted to do it at level?  You wanted it to be interesting and challenging.  Bwahahaha.

3) Ask one of your level 80 guildies to boost you through it.  I’m sorry, pardon?  You were saying something?  You wanted to run it?  Oh dear, how terribly old fashioned.

4) Change the laws of space of time.  You know sometimes, when you’re healing an instance, and you’re not quite in The Zone and you make a costly misjudgement?  Maybe you try to a heal an endangered DPS at the expense of the tank?  Maybe you thought you had time to get off a PoH when, ooops, you didn’t.  Maybe you didn’t quite anticipate a damage spike and the tank just got minced before your guilty little eyes.  Well, you don’t have to worry about any of that in UK.  But if you could cast CoH a little more quickly, or its CD wasn’t 6 seconds, then you’d really be able to make a difference.   So for that extra edge: change the laws of space and time.  Fie on those 6 seconds.

More positive Random Thought of the Day

Never let it be said I do not listen to advice (thank you Uke). Having respecced in order to prioritise meditation as opposed to MOAR healing, which is all I was capable of thinking about between talent point 1 and talent point 51, my mana bar has become the Duracell bunny of mana bars.  What it lacks in length (merely brushing up against the 10k which I understand is now the national average for the early 70s in Northrend), it more than makes up for it in sheer stamina.  That mana bar heals and heals and heals all night, yeah baby.  Between it, and my gear, I AM BECOME INVINCIBLE (as long as I’m standing behind someone in platemail).



  1. Hehe, this post made me pine for the days of healing as I was levelling… the excitement of doing an instance with 4 (mostly) competent strangers… The thrill of holding those strangers’ lives in the palm of my hand, ready to be extinguished at a moment’s notice… the shrill squeal of the dk tank, 5 levels below the boss, to ‘HEAL PLZ!!!’ as you and that boss play ping pong with his health bar….

    Then the screaming and the running and the dying and the resounding chorus of ‘rez plz’ whilst you run your little purple-clad tush back to the instance…

    Hmm, when you put it like that it really doesnt seem as fun as i remember it being. In fact, it seems quite horrendous… i can only estimate that the buttock-clenching game of whack-a-mole pushed me over the edge of a mental breakdown, allowing me to sail through the rest of the instance on a mild, stress-induced delirium…

    I have to say though that i don’t remember gear being much of a problem when doing UK. But then again, when i was healing UK the groups were decked out in more epic gear than a douchetard has brain contusions so it’s hardly comparable. I guess I see what you mean though, the fights are very ‘brute force’ healing rather than strategic healing so its a fair point that you either can heal it or you can’t 😛

    I guess the obvious question now is, have you tried healing the Nexus? 😛 oh boy, thats a whole new level of challenges in store… A stressy, schitzophrenic bitch who plays swingball with your group, a crazy dragon who makes you bop around as if bouncing on an imaginary pogo stick and then theres always that Stone Thing that tries to impale you on his giant, rock hard…. *cough*…

    And then theres the flowers. Oh, those flowers give me nightmares. You think your suntouched flowers are hot? Well these buggers are the mutated, evil, healer-killing spawn of the mother of all flowers and they are out to get you o_O

    The instance does have its upsides though, the environment is rather pretty (hey, when you’re standing there all suave and svelte in your purple robes that hug every chisseled curve and muscle, you develop a keen sense of vanity :P) and then theres the centaur girlie things which can be mind controlled to heal your group with their druid spell thingie. You know the one. With the sparkles that shoot out the ground as you dance around gleefully in the carpet of shiny, twinkling stars.(just watch out for when the mind control breaks, those bitches will be on you like rabies on a murloc. And not in the good way!!)

    And oooh ty for the shoutout!! ❤ I feel all warm and fuzzy 😀 and the innuendo was once again hilarious, though brushed on with a more subtle stroke this time – but I really can't take any metaphors involving the duracell bunny seriously since, after hopping around like a psycho whilst healing through an instance, i wrote in guild chat 'Wow, im like the energizer bunny!' only to have some bastard rogue asking why i felt like a bunny and then progressing to conjecture that i masturbated whilst inserting batteries up my colon O_O


    Anyway, I loved this post and will be pressuring you for more guides and stuff in the future 😀

    Comment by uke — June 19, 2009 @ 2:04 am | Reply

  2. […] The other thing, I think, that speaks well for the design of instances across the Old World (I am less impressed with Northrend, as we know) is that they’re flexible enough that you can essentially substitute 3 […]

    Pingback by the fallacy of WoW machismo « standing at the back in my sissy robe — June 22, 2009 @ 3:44 pm | Reply

  3. […] comically.  It reminds me sadly of Northrend instances, actually, which, as I have ranted about previously, can either be healed through or not.  Big AoE splatters can either be healed through or not, and […]

    Pingback by wtb one intact healer « standing at the back in my sissy robe — July 4, 2009 @ 7:54 pm | Reply

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