standing at the back in my sissy robe

May 28, 2009

When in the Temple of Atal’Hakkar…

Filed under: Sweets for the Sweet,UR Doing It Wrong — Tamarind @ 11:31 am

Given the sheer quantity of bitching, moaning and hemo I’ve indulged here recently, I’m going to try and say something nice for once.


Give me time.

Well.  Yes, thank you to every random tank who has ever said “nice healing” to me.  It makes a difference, I think.

Also here is the tale of my favourite Wowpliment, ever, because although it is entirely silly, I think it showed a heart in the right place.

I was running ST – which, incidentally, I dislike and not in an interesting “I will take you down, bitch” ZF way, but in a “God this is boring and circular” way – because a group had pleaded with me via whisper.  I’m a sucker for that kind of thing.  Want me to do something for you?   Anything at all?  Whisper, be articulate, be polite, be sweet, be funny, be possessed of a cool name, be any one of the above and I’ll be your healing puppy dog to kingdom come and back again.

Anyway, the group was running at a moderate level of competence which meant it was also running at a high level of arrogance.  The pally tank was That Guy, because aren’t they always, but he was definitely on the well-meaning end of the spectrum.  By which I mean he’d say “soz lol :D” after every hairsbreadth ‘scape.  But, truthfully, we were doing fine.  Getting out your WoW cock in public is something that should be more widely frowned upon but one is more forgiving when it’s a well-kept, hygienic, fully functional and not entirely unattractive WoW-cock.

It wasn’t so much the WoW-cockery that made the group so utterly hilarious, it was the appreciative and comparative spirit of it all.  After every single pull (I’m not exaggerating) somebody would link a DPS metre and there’d be an orgy of congratulations for the guy who topped it.  “Wow man!  Awesome DPS!” “Gratz man!”  Grins and lols and cheers all round.  And every time somebody critted they shriek the numbers out excitedly and everyone else would cream over their keyboards.

Don’t get me wrong, despite my complaining I do love WoW.  My spirit soars after a well choreographed fight.  My breath quickens at a narrow escape.  But I don’t get off on it in quite that way.

It soon began to get a little wearing.  I understand why DPS meters can have their place (although, admittedly, I’m generally annoyed by them, as they tend to encourage people to spam AOE or neglect utility abilities instead of Actually Paying Attention And Using A Modicum of Intelligence) but if there’s too much wanking over big numbers it can make the guy in the robe at the back feel a bit, well, unappreciated.

“God, yeah,” I said, after the next gangbang, “your DPS is so impressive it’s a wonder you need a healer at all.”

And then I felt immediately guilty because there was a stricken silence.  After a second or two, somebody linked to the healing count, 100% of which was, of course, done by me.  Everybody at once starting jumping around, cheering and congratulating me.  God, what a shit I am.  I’m the guy who turns up to a hog roast and the first words out of his mouth are: “actually, I’m a vegetarian.”

The pally, who had the biggest most exuberant WoW-cock of the party, went into paean of praise about my healing which, frankly, was adequate.  “I go pretty fast,” he declared, wanking vigorously, “but you keep up with me fine.  Most healers can’t.”  Now, I know this was his twisted way of paying me a wonderful compliment: I was nearly as awesome as he was!  But God I hate people who say “I go pretty fast” as if it’s some kind of virtue.  If your healer can’t keep up with you, UR DOING IT WRONG, not the other way round.

But I’d already been mean to these guys who only wanted to rub their WoW cocks together harmlessly and clearly wanted me to be able to bring mine to the party, so I just grinned and thanked him sweetly.

“Yeah man,” he gushed on, happily, building to a big climax, “you’re totally imba.”

At which point I nearly spat tea over my keyboard, I was laughing so hard.

Yeah man.  That holy spec.  Totally imba!

But I couldn’t bring myself to piss on them any more so every time I’d crit heal, I’d yell out the figures and everybody would cheer happily.

Oh, bless their hearts.  Well, guys, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing – my WoW cock salutes you.



  1. In the spirit of this post: nice blog! 🙂

    I suspect this blog may be “imba”, but I don’t know what “imba” means. And if there’s one thing I have learned over my long hard lifetime, it’s that you don’t call people names that you’re not sure about the meaning of. Even on the internet. Even if you’re trying to be nice. (Especially if you’re trying to be nice.)

    So I shall merely content myself with going:

    gz! woot! W00T!1! wtg! wowz!! nice1 man! lol roxxor!

    Comment by Claire — May 28, 2009 @ 3:05 pm | Reply

    • Hehe, thank you. It means “imbalanced” – usually refers to a power, or a tactic that is over-powered.

      This power is rarely *healing people*.

      Comment by Tamarind — May 28, 2009 @ 3:11 pm | Reply

  2. OMG lol i think i just DIED of laughter!!!

    that was one of the best metaphor’s ive heard in a LONG time, this post was ace 😀

    right, now im back to feverishly read the rest of your posts…

    that guy, LOL.

    Comment by uke — June 15, 2009 @ 3:43 pm | Reply

    • Why, thank you kindly. I think you might just have made my day 🙂 I’m so glad to have amused, I think back very fondly on this PUG. If nothing else it was very, err, happy.

      Comment by Tamarind — June 15, 2009 @ 3:56 pm | Reply

  3. I’ve been reading over your blog as I saw it linked on a few other blogs recently…and I have to say that while I’ve been prone to literally lol, this post made me snort coke (the liquid, legal kind) through my nose in a very painful manner. You’ve got a gift for words, and your blog is incredibly enjoyable. Thank you for the evening of entertainment (not in that overpaid stripper way).

    Comment by Kisli — July 21, 2009 @ 3:05 pm | Reply

    • Well, if I was a stripper I’d want to be overpaid…

      And thank you kindly for the compliments. I’m so glad my blogging entertains you, although I’m terribly sorry about your nose because I once did that and I was extremely, disproportionately painful. Although I suppose coke is basically acid. Makes one wonder what it does to the stomach 🙂

      Comment by Tamarind — July 21, 2009 @ 3:26 pm | Reply

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