standing at the back in my sissy robe

August 10, 2009

an open letter (I am the anti-Nim)

Filed under: Bitchin 'n' Moanin,Deathtards & Co.,UR Doing It Wrong — Tamarind @ 10:09 am

Dear Melee DPS (and, yes, Dicknight, that means you),

What in fuck’s name is wrong with you people?

Don’t stand in fire.

Don’t stand in green.

Don’t stand in mana-wee.

Don’t stand near whirlwind.

Don’t stand near bladestorm.

If the ground looks funny, don’t stand there.

Seriously, what is wrong with you? This is elementary WoW. Are you stupid or merely lazy?

Think about it. If you were going about your life and you looked down and suddenly saw you were standing in a circle of fire, and your clothes were starting to catch alight, and exposed portions of your skin were starting to blacken, would you keep on doing whatever it was you were doing?

Would you?

Whatever it was?

No. You wouldn’t. You just wouldn’t. This is not the Burning Times. You can get out of the fire.

Would you, moreover, expect a passing paramedic to start giving you emergency medical treatment while you whooped it up in the raging inferno?

Again. No. You wouldn’t. You just wouldn’t.

Ignorance, I can forgive. But when I specifically say at the beginning of the fight “please try not to stand in the [whatever]” you have no excuse.

Just plain fail, I can forgive again. I cannot count the occasions on which I have been so engrossed by healing that I haven’t noticed the enormous pool of death in which I’ve been standing. On the other hand, when I have noticed, I’ve moved, and bloody quickly.

What I can neither support, nor forgive, nor understand is what seems to me to be a resolute reluctance to undertake something as profoundly basic as NOT STANDING IN FUCKING FIRE.

I am trying to get into your head here – tiny, stultifying place though it is. And I only assume that your perspective on the matter is that you taking damage is not your problem, and that I ought to be man enough to heal you through it regardless.

Well, fuck you. With a rusty teaspoon.

To be honest, I usually can heal your moronic arse through it but why the fuck should I? Why should your selfish determination to make the game an order of magnitude easier for yourself make it an order of magnitude more difficult for me?

Quite frankly: you don’t deserve to live.

I am not wearying my mouse fingers to the bone grinding for epix in order to allow me to heal dribbling, syphilitic cockmonkeys like you through damage a touch of generosity and a smattering of common sense would allow you to avoid.

Unfortunately you kind of have me by the short and curlies here because there’s nothing I can do. I could stop healing you. And then you would die. But without the DPS to take down the big bad, probably the rest of us would die too. And whereas I’m pretty sure you’d take no responsibility for the wipe whatsoever (shitty healing, you’d say), I’d feel as guilty as hell about it.

I could, of course, refuse to group with you full stop.

But even though healers are moderately in demand, you are out in there in your multitudes. Attempting to put together a group for anything with only caster DPS would the height of silliness.

So yes. You have me. You win. But I hate you for it.

And one of these days I will snap, and respec shadow.

Yours at the end of his tether,
With loathing and contempt,
And certainly no hugs
Unless my arms were lined with poison-tipped spikes,

Tam

29 Comments »

  1. Ah, the joy of level 80 PuGs as a healer! Remember, if the group won’t get out of the fire, it’s your fault. If the tank turns his back on a boss and gets his arse pwnd, it’s your fault. If the dps is so shit you go oom before the boss is dead, it’s your fault. If the tank isn’t defence capped and gets critted to death, it’s your fault. If he forgets to switch out of Beserker Stance/Frost Presence or throw up Righteous Fury, it’s your fault. If the adds munch you, it’s your fault.

    Have fun! Plenty more like that one coming.

    Comment by pewpewlazerz — August 10, 2009 @ 11:52 am | Reply

  2. Ah, the joy of level 80 PuGs as a healer! Remember, if the group won’t get out of the fire, it’s your fault. If the tank turns his back on a boss and gets his arse pwnd, it’s your fault. If the dps is so shit you go oom before the boss is dead, it’s your fault. If the tank isn’t defence capped and gets critted to death, it’s your fault. If he forgets to switch intoout of Defensive Stance/Frost Presence or throw up Righteous Fury, it’s your fault. If the adds munch you, it’s your fault.

    Have fun! Plenty more like that one coming.

    Comment by pewpewlazerz — August 10, 2009 @ 11:52 am | Reply

  3. Such an epic reply it came out twice! Nerf me, plox!

    Comment by pewpewlazerz — August 10, 2009 @ 11:55 am | Reply

    • I could delete one of them for you but that would, you know, render this comment nonsensical so I shall therefore leave both versions in place. Besides, anything worth saying once is worth saying twice right, right? ;)

      Comment by Tamarind — August 10, 2009 @ 12:21 pm | Reply

  4. Dear tamarind,

    thanks for paying attention to us. We’re the fire, the voidzones the green clouds, blue somethings.
    We have an offer for you:
    fact 1: people stand in us…everytime…allways…with their feet. (Ever smelled 20 feets standing the whole day and night in plate or leather…disgusting…we tell you). AND WE DON’T LIKE THAT!
    fact 2: You don’t want people to stand in us.
    fact 3: We see something in common here.

    So woudn’t it be a good compromise if we work together on this one?

    Sincerely yours,
    Against-people-standing-in-wired-colored-things-association (APSIWCTA)

    PS: Anti-Anti-Nim!!!

    Comment by nimayne — August 10, 2009 @ 11:58 am | Reply

    • Dear APSIWCTA,

      Thank you for your kind letter. I would very much like to work together with you in order to minimise how often you suffer the discomfort and indignity of being stood on.

      On the other hand, I think our problem lies in convincing the DPS to agree with us. Do you have any ideas, since burning, freezing and otherwise injuring them doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.

      Kind regards,
      Tam

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 1:52 pm | Reply

  5. Although, if they’re bad enough to stand in the fire without moving, their dps is probably low enough that you CAN let them die without fearing the worst. :)

    PS> It’s my second favourite healer sub-game to see how many of these people I can get pointing the finger at me as if it’s my fault they die. Usually the rest of the groups can see the truth since they aren’t dying. (My favourite game, in case you were wondering, is to see how low I can let the tanks hp drop before healing them – pb so far is 3!) :D

    Comment by Cassini — August 10, 2009 @ 12:42 pm | Reply

    • If there’s one DPS being a tard, then this makes perfect sense, and it’s a game I could see myself enjoying, but if *all* your DPS are standing in fire and their health is ticking down and your mana bar is draining, I usually get far too stressed. Maybe when I’m more confident about my healing I’ll be able to torment my tank ;)

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 2:02 pm | Reply

  6. Oh and yes, my tank HATES it when healers play that game, but at least I understand that they do (and why!). ;)

    Comment by Cassini — August 10, 2009 @ 12:43 pm | Reply

    • *eyes* I understand your tank! Though as a tank myself, I admit it can be amusing in a scary way to see how low my health can drop, and how long it can stay there, without resulting in a wipe. This week on Vezax I was at ~1k for 4-5 seconds with all panic buttons still on cooldown. We killed him but damn, I sure was more awake after that fight from the fright I got there. :p

      And poor Tam, that sounds like a really bad PUG. I’m fully with you that people who deliberately make the healer’s (or tank’s) life harder just because they’re lazy, stupid or too busy wanking themselves on the DPS meter deserve every copper of as high a repair bill as they get. And more. If they die maybe i’ll get through their thick skulls eventually. Maybe.

      But, I have to say: it’s fun when I fight turns the “don’t stand in the scary stuff” rule on its head like the Shade of Aran did with his Flame Wreath. I miss some of those fights from the now-bygone TBC days …

      Comment by Feralan — August 10, 2009 @ 11:02 pm | Reply

      • God, that sounds terrifying. I would probably have suffered a cardiac arrest during those 4-5 seconds, to be honest.

        To be fair to DPS who do stand in fear, I don’t think it’s actual, y’know, *malice*. I don’t think they sit there thinking “I really want to piss off my healer”, I truthfully think they don’t think at all (there’s a lot of thinkin that sentence) which is weirdly worse because it shows that these people have never run an instance that they haven’t been partially boosted through. Sigh.

        Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 2:11 pm

  7. Oh hello there priest. Didnt see you way down there in the back.
    Hello, i’m dicknight! (well its offensive, and even though im one… funny IS funny :D), So happy to meet you.
    Speaking as a representative of my class and all the intelligence (statwise ofc) lacked melee in game let me explain something to you.

    We like it rough. We like to close our eyes pretend we are frikking conan and just bash away at baddies. (except rogues, they think they are ninjas… American movies kindda ninjas, the ones that stealth THEN bash their heads into the groin of baddies) Its kindda our thing. We are also getting really good at it. Well some are good at the bashing bit, some are… still learning. And those that you have met, are still learning.
    Me and a couple of others has the whole “this is how you make them hurt more” bit down. We will teach thoose who have been left behind. So if you see a rogue using 1 dagger, or otherwise see a melee doing crappy dps. You send em over to our friends at “www.are-you-retarded-l2p.com” where they will learn to pewpew-bash.

    Now heres the interesting part for you. We need you to help us educate theese lost souls. You and the priests like you are the only ones capable! (druids are too weak to teach anything and just ramble on about nature. shamans aren’t really all there you know? And paladins… don’t get me started on them.. paladins are all wannabemelee, so you never get anything constructive out of em).
    So we are left, begging you priests of warcraft, you former kings of healing, to help us, educate those who needs to be taught.
    like I started saying. We like it rough. So make it clear to us, that you will not tolerate idiocy, and have a macro set.
    Let them die when they do something stupid (or give them a renew if you are a softie.. but nothing more). Then let them die again. Either they will shape up (rejoice!!!) or they will start moaning. That is when you get your macro out.
    They can be as witty or artistic or poetic as you can make em, but the bottom line should be:

    ” /p %T was not able to do two things at once: bash a button and look at a screen. Are you not capable of doing theese two things at once? Does this mean that chewing gum is not preformed whilst walking??? From now on, you will look at the screen while you bash buttons. Sometimes bosses or monsters will have abilities that will hurt you. Learn to avoid or minimize theese, so that the healer (thats me) can be able to keep the tank alive. The tank is kinda supposed to be good at taking theese beatings. You are not. So either slap on some tank gear and replace him, or learn to LOOK at your screen. If not, get ready to pay a large chunk of gold to the guy in town that repairs items.”

    Now if they are nice people, and you like em, you can add various niceties afterwards. If not, you can explain to him/her that there are so and so many dps lfg for said instance, and no healers. Thats the sort of math we melee should be able to do.

    —-
    Thats how I did it when I was a holy priest. Thats how every single (im not kidding) healing priest I know (more or less) deal with melee. Back in my day, it was the rogues that where not able to perform this task. Usually busy proving how big their virtual peni’ where. Its always the same people that asks for dmg meter, isnt it?

    It’s also funny to me, that priests and only priests, where ever the ones who would be educating on their fellow player. You would never meet a treehugging druid who would go off into the red on stuff like this. They would just hot the rogue to the point of tank-death.

    Good read :)

    Comment by dw-redux — August 10, 2009 @ 1:07 pm | Reply

    • Hehe, I do apologise for calling you a dicknight by association. I truthfully have a great deal of respect for DPS – I know it’s a kind of running joke to be all “pah, DPS, bunch of slackers” etc. etc. but the difference between good DPS and bad DPS is remarkable and noticeable, even if you’re just standing at the back in a sissy robe.

      I think you’re right, I should be more assertive when I’m healing but ultimately there’s something quite dangerous in putting yourself forward as the oi-you-L2P guy. I’m always wary of telling other players how to play their class and ultimately there’s only so many times you can do /s Get out of the fire /y Get out of the fire /rw get out of the fucking fire.

      As I think I tried to articulate, between the frothing and ranting, in the post – it’s not the mistakes, or even the ignorance, that bothers me. It’s the underlying assumptions: the reason DPS are lazy is because they expecet the healer to be so ludicrously over-geared that they *can* heal through the DPS standing around whistling and picking their nose IN FIRE.

      I might make myself a failbar of appropriate macros, as you suggest.

      Hehe!

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 11:36 am | Reply

  8. Whoa.. rant inc it seems (a little late warning)

    Comment by dw-redux — August 10, 2009 @ 1:07 pm | Reply

    • Don’t worry about it at all, if I get to rant, you get to rant, it’s not only fair but encouraged :)

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 11:36 am | Reply

  9. First off, /hug. I have three level 80 healers and a fourth on the way. I’ve seen every possibly manifestation of stupidity at every level of raiding… hence the heartfelt hug. But for practical advice now!

    Alright, if you’re doing ToC like everyone and their brother, remember that you can run out as soon as the three dudes from the first encounter dismount you and your party. That way, people don’t get auto-gibbed and everyone is much happier. Also, the normal version of ToC is two-mannable, should you and M’Pocket tank feel adventurous, as it rewards Naxx10 level loot. Cheers <3

    Comment by Lilîth — August 10, 2009 @ 1:23 pm | Reply

    • Thank you for the hugs and the sympathy :)

      We had a bastard of a time with ToC but then we’re just about geared for heroics, just about and barely, if the DPS don’t play like fools, so I very much doubt we could 2-man it. Also the jousting. We suck extremely at the jousting.

      Truthfully I’m not sure I ever want to do ToC again – it feels lazy and gimicky and it’s not even remotely imaginatively engaging (come on Tirion Fordringer, can we go to war now please?). I hate the fact it’s awash in epics. Gah!

      But, yeah, I’m just grousing, ignore me :)

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 11:39 am | Reply

  10. I just *had* to come and say… You win. As I explain to everyone I have ever gotten into the game, played with, grouped with or just passed in the street, the first rule of WoW is:

    DON’T stand in the fire.

    Simple.

    Comment by Fenn — August 10, 2009 @ 2:23 pm | Reply

    • Thank you kindly. Currently I think I’m losing. If I could make more people acede to that one simple rule I think I might be one the way to winning ;)

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  11. Dear Sir,
    Tamarind, author of the blog called “in my sissy robes”,
    let me just say that I think I love you. No, no. Not you as a person. Just the seconds of thinking that lead the the following quote: “…fuck you. With a rusty teaspoon.”.
    You made, what I believe is commonly refered to as “my day”.
    For this, I salute you. With a rusty fork, if old cutlery is what makes kids these days happy.

    Greeting,
    Naïve of Magic and Madness

    Comment by Naïve — August 10, 2009 @ 2:59 pm | Reply

    • hehe… for me? the best was that the next line after the rusty cutlery came out, there was:

      “To be honest, I usually can heal your moronic arse….”

      so lost it right then. hehehehehe

      Comment by Celsira — August 10, 2009 @ 3:34 pm | Reply

    • Dear Naive,

      Thank you for your kind non-open letter. I am delighted to have amused you and I just want to assure that you should ever be obliged to use cutlery in my home, it will neither be rusty nor previously used for any sort of nefarious or inappropriate puprose.

      Kind regards,
      Tam

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 2:15 pm | Reply

  12. I was tanking an instance with my sister healing and our friend dpsing yesterday. Heroic AN. We were just about to kill the boss and our friend started talking smack. Those poisons killed him fast without her healing or cleansing them. Dont mess with your healers.

    Comment by Darraxus — August 10, 2009 @ 5:07 pm | Reply

  13. /soothe

    Even at the top end of raiding, Tam, I am sad to tell you that there are still people that stand in the fire!

    Granted, they generally DO move out of it when we holler at them, but there are most definately those that cherish those hot, burning patches of goodness! (Of any flavour!).

    Someone on one of the forums I read has the following signature “Healing through stupid one raid at a time”. And sadly, even though it makes me laugh, it is so true!

    Comment by Beruthiel — August 10, 2009 @ 5:09 pm | Reply

  14. Yea fricking Melee DPS….What’s your problems…

    Ain’t like you gotta wear a dress, and look like rupaul on crack.

    Comment by theerivs — August 10, 2009 @ 5:22 pm | Reply

  15. Oh. My. God.

    I love your blog. I love this rant and agree with it wholeheartedly.

    I am not a nice healer, and part of that is because I keep a stack of [Linen Bandage] on hand. (Okay, I think the ones I have right now are mageweave, because I had leftovers once the pally got to outlands and netherweave.) What do I do with these delicious bands of aiding? I put them on people that do stupid shit.

    “Oh, you’re standing in the fire/void/gas/rockfall… AGAIN!” *taps keybind for low-level bandage and mutters about assholes that can’t pay attention*

    We all make mistakes. It’s when the same person is making the same mistake attempt after attempt and week after week, etc. that I start getting irritated.


    TBH, it’s not that much better as Shadow, because a lot of people expect you to miraculously heal yourself/others AND pewpew like the second-fucking-coming is upon us if the healer somehow dies. (Dear Huntard, you have a freezing trap for a reason. FUCKING USE IT WHEN YOU SEE MOBS NOMMING THE HEALER.)

    Comment by fain — August 11, 2009 @ 4:37 am | Reply

  16. You just summarized my collected experiences of healing PuG’s. No wonder I insist on having at least two guildies in the group when doing heroics.

    Comment by Ercles — August 11, 2009 @ 4:56 am | Reply

    • Now that I have a guild it really does throw the grim-ness of PUGs into harsh relief.

      Comment by Tamarind — August 11, 2009 @ 12:10 pm | Reply


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