standing at the back in my sissy robe

June 23, 2009

Saving my faith in PUGs one zombie at a time

Filed under: D'oh,Sweets for the Sweet,Vainglory — Tamarind @ 11:32 am

Since yesterday was basically not-especially condensed whinging, I shall try to be positive today.  Putting aside disastrous friend-runs, I’ve actually been quite lucky with my PUGs lately.  There was, of course, the neophyte pally and her undead mentor who whisper me fairly regularly these days, usually to heal UK, although I have now run UK so many times I’m actually bored of the damn thing.  I can spam CoH with the best of them.  To be honest, it’s partially vanity on my part because they make me feel loved and appreciated.  It does have an air of “ahaha! A healer!  We shall keep him!” but, of course, I’m already seeing a tank, so it’s slightly awkward.

Wouldn’t want to make M’Pocket Tank jealous.

I’m thinking back on an old(ish) Misneach post about tank/healer chemistry and it’s kind of amusing to see it  filtered through PUGs.  I mean, if you take guilds to be established social networks, into which newcomers are carefully introduced, LFG must be a sleazy bar for desperate singles.  In LFG, the drinks are cheap and plentiful, it’s always after midnight and there you are, always the detritus of the evening; it’s either take what you can get or spend the empty, grey hours till dawn loving angels instead.  So you gyrate up to the least-troglodytic of your fellow discards:

“LF Healer?” you bellow over the terrible music, squinting in the unflattering pink wash of the disco lighting

“Naw, DPS,” he/she replies, disinterestedly

“I could off-DPS,” you offer, with a winning, eager smile.

“Pffft.”

Rejected.  Scorned.  Not quite spat upon.  There’s nothing for it but to approach the second least-troglodytic of the rapidly dwindling crowd and repeat until your soul dies (or you manage to put a run together).

And some of the tanks you hook up with are clearly only in it for the healz, and they don’t care how they get them, or from whom. But some of them, I think, aspire to a better life.  They still have romance in their hearts.  They want to meet not just a healer but the healer.  They don’t just want to a run an instance with you, they want something a bit more stable, a bit more meaningful, maybe something regular.

It’s a little bit tragic really.  There should be some alternative meeting system for lonely tanks looking for that perfect healer, and bitter, burned out healers searching for someone in platemail to save them from themselves.

Sounds like the premise of a WoW romcom actually…

“Darling,” he said tenderly, “from the first moment I saw you blundering through the Scarlet Monastery in quest greens I knew there was something special about you but it wasn’t until you healed me through the steps of ZF that I realised you were bind on pick up.”

Sorry.  This is an absurd flight of fancy.  How did I get here?  What was I talking about?  Who am I?  What am I doing?

Oh yes.

Several successful PUGs.  I am very happy.  M’Pocket Tank and I have fallen in a with a warlock from one of Emerald Dream’s more (supposedly) hardcore raiding guilds.  We ran AN and the weekend and DTK yesterday.  AN is a pointless hole in the ground but nobody told me there was a fuck off enormous dinosaur in DTK.  I am completely converted to Northrend instances.  Yes, I am that shallow.

I don’t know what was wrong with us but we ran DTK like a bunch of spanners.  There was self, M’Pocket Tank, a deathtard, a hunter and the warlock.  The hunter was shockingly, amazingly competent.  And the Deathtard turned out to be 14 but was very sweet and, actually, by no means the worst DK I’ve played with.  I think that says damning things about the class as a whole.  But basically we were all off our game.  M’Pocket kept accidentally body pulling.  At one point, I blinked and when I’d opened my eyes again I was a big glowing blue angel and everybody else was dead.  Did I fall asleep on the job?  The warlock committed suicide while opening a can of beer and spamming Rain of Fire on a large group of mobs (there’s a moral in there somewhere, kids).

We got through it through and the whole experience was actually, bizarrely, gigglesomely fun.  There was a lot of banter and a lot of apologising and lot of not really playing any less like spanners.  But it does go to show that whatever magic spark makes an instance a genuinely pleasant experience isn’t necessarily quantifiable. If someone had told me at the outset “you’re going to run an instance, and you’re going to play like a spanner all the way through” I’d have surely gone “errr, sorry, I think I’ll pass.”

The spannering zenith (or do I mean nadir) came when I was squealing happily at the fuck off enormous dinosaur and it somehow seemed like a good idea to suggest that the hunter try to make a pet of it.  I will generous take 25% of the blame for what followed but I think the hunter deserves at least 50% for agreeing to it and the other 25% of blame can be apportioned to the rest of the party for egging us on.

I’ve never seen a hunter in action but the plan, as I understood it, involved the hunter making sweet sweet love to the fuck off enormous dinosaur while I kept her alive. Fuck off enormous dinosaurs apparently like it rough.   But, anyway, the flaw in this otherwise sound and watertight plan was this (I suppose you’ve already spotted it – and I like to think I’d have spotted it myself if I hadn’t been in the grip of Spanneritus):  healing, of course, generates threat.

So was happened was this:

Hunter: So … what’s a nice fuck off enormous dinosaur like you doing in an instance like this?

King Dread:  ROAAAAAR!

Me: Renew, flash heal, flash heal, greater heal SQUISH.

Hunter: So … do you maybe, y’know, wanna come back to my place and catch a Doug McClure movie… SQUISH.

I guess King Dread just isn’t that kind of fuck off enormous dinosaur.

23 Comments »

  1. I laughed.

    You get mercy runs too. My tree druid just hit 80 and I was asking idly on guild chat how much +spellpower people thought I might need to run heroics and one of my friends bravely offered to let me heal her tank. I was trying to find a nice way to explain that I had kind of planned on practicing by killing total strangers, rather than people I actually knew.

    Comment by spinks — June 23, 2009 @ 11:45 am | Reply

    • Thank you :)

      Pity dating, huh? Did you come up with a nice way to explain that “it’s not you, it’s me”?

      Comment by Tamarind — June 23, 2009 @ 11:51 am | Reply

  2. I have to stop coming here the ppl in my office seriously think I am laughing at the interwebz. Your writing style is witty, frolicsome (is that a word?) and laden, grotesquely laden like the table at thanksgiving, with sexual innuendos! you Tamarind are pure win!

    Comment by Salvànus@khadgar.eu — June 23, 2009 @ 12:11 pm | Reply

    • The interwebz is surely full of things worth laughing at… I think your colleagues would have more cause for concern if you were staring at, I don’t know, an excel spreadsheet and laughing heartily. Oh those functions! Side-splitting!

      Thank you once again for your kind words, I’m so happy to have caused you amusement (even if does come with a small amount of social embarrassment). If frolicsome isn’t a word, it ought to be and I’m certainly gratified to be it.

      I’m glad a tendency towards, well, single entendres I suppose, counts as win – I was looking back over my blog and worrying I had the sense of humour of a 16 year old on poppers…

      Comment by Tamarind — June 23, 2009 @ 3:48 pm | Reply

  3. I think the phrase “fuck off enormous dinosaur” particularly sets off the giggles when mentally read in the voice of Eddie Izzard.

    Comment by Kahleena — June 23, 2009 @ 1:20 pm | Reply

    • And I’d hope so too – anything said in the voice of Eddie Izzard automatically becomes funnier. I wonder if works for the rest of the blog ;)

      Comment by Tamarind — June 23, 2009 @ 3:49 pm | Reply

      • Okay, yeah, in my head, you pretty much always have Eddie Izzard’s voice. But something about the phrase “fuck off enormous dinosaur” especially works with that.

        Comment by Kahleena — June 23, 2009 @ 7:54 pm

  4. “… realised you were bind on pick up.” That’s a great line. :D

    Comment by Ecgric — June 23, 2009 @ 2:38 pm | Reply

    • Hehe, thank you. Glad to have entertained.

      I recommend you try that line on slender beauties of the UC and, err, well maybe not… Not if you want to keep your lower jaw.

      Comment by Tamarind — June 23, 2009 @ 3:51 pm | Reply

  5. Another great post. Your analogies are always dead on.

    Also, thanks for the linkage, and thank you especially for bolding the phrase “fuck off enormous dinosaur” every chance you got. That was simply hilarious.

    Comment by Misneach — June 23, 2009 @ 8:08 pm | Reply

    • Thank you kindly for the compliment – and no worries about the linkage, blogs are meant to be linky places (I think).

      I shall be sure to keep emboldened any more fuck off enormous dinosaurs I happen to encounter in WoW…

      Comment by Tamarind — June 23, 2009 @ 11:21 pm | Reply

  6. Haha… going on with the dating analogy, Jess has mentioned several times feeling cheated on if I heal another tank or even talk about another tank too much. :)

    Comment by Keredria — June 24, 2009 @ 5:24 am | Reply

    • Ahaha! Yes, M’Pocket Tank is the same – she asked me very coldly the other day whether I was trying to tell her that I wanted to see heal other tanks.

      Comment by Tamarind — June 24, 2009 @ 9:14 am | Reply

  7. I love the PuG = dating analogy! It was so spot-on that I read it out loud to my pally, who also appreciated it very much.

    I highly approve of the crazy attempt to tame King Dred – my groups and I pull that kind of ridiculousness as much as we can. Too bad it didn’t work out between the hunter and the fuck off enormous dinosaur…as they say, the good ones are always enraged and squishing people.

    Comment by wildgrowth — June 25, 2009 @ 7:11 pm | Reply

    • Thank you – from healer and his pally to another healer and her pally :)

      Yes, it is a real shame about the hunter and the fuck off enormous dinosaur – I thought they were a match made in, well, DTK. Maybe we should convince her to try again at 80… I reckon King Dread was just carrying on in the “manner of elegant dinossaurs” as Jane Austen would have it, and fully expects to receive another, err, proposal.

      Comment by Tamarind — June 25, 2009 @ 9:47 pm | Reply

  8. [...] of my favourite newer blogs, standing at the back in my sissy robe compares his experience in PUGs to .. err.. his experience in pick up [...]

    Pingback by Why am I still talking when there’s linking to do? « Welcome to Spinksville! — June 27, 2009 @ 8:31 am | Reply

  9. [...] in Uncategorized at 6:59 pm by Tamarind Now that I’ve come out the girlcow lovin closet (it’s a platonic closet, okay) … I’m kind of worried about my shaman.  Look at the poor [...]

    Pingback by saturday frivolity « standing at the back in my sissy robe — June 27, 2009 @ 6:59 pm | Reply

  10. Stumbled across your blog from a spiderweb of links (kind of like the Wikipedia effect) and I’m glad I found it. Great writing and added to my blogroll!

    Comment by Abi — July 1, 2009 @ 9:45 pm | Reply

    • I’m a confirmed link-jumper myself – I’m glad you found me. Thank you for your kind words and the link to your blog – which I’m currently reading :)

      Comment by Tamarind — July 3, 2009 @ 5:15 pm | Reply

  11. I’m glad your linking back to old posts, because there are some pure gems like this one. However as it comes to the point i’ve laughed so hard that the meeting, the floor above me, has been stopped to come and lecture me about the volume of my voice…well, you can imagine the situation i’m in.

    That said, i’ve just shown this blog entry to my boss, she’s a 48 yr old women, and she’s left the room in tears.

    Maybe you should do standup :p

    Comment by Joe — July 23, 2009 @ 11:59 am | Reply

    • Haha, I don’t think there’s much of a market for whimsical stand up about World of Warcraft. I think it’s a first class ticket to a broken bottle in the face :)

      I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Remember the Fuck Off Dinosaur PUG makes me happy to this day :)

      Your boss was in tears in a good way right? She wasn’t in mourning for my sanity?

      Comment by Tamarind — July 23, 2009 @ 10:02 pm | Reply

  12. [...] not a fan of the zone, largely because I don’t share Tam’s enthusaiasm for “f*ck-off enormous dinosaurs” with apparent stealth abilities, but the quests are piled up too thickly to not do the zone, [...]

    Pingback by Because I am completely insane… « Fel Deeds Awake! — July 23, 2009 @ 4:58 pm | Reply

  13. [...] have never found his site.  And lucky reader that you are, I can now link it to you.  There is comedy gold in them thar interwebz, and Tamarind seems to be mining the motherlode.  Not sure where the name [...]

    Pingback by Why I WoW « Pew pew lazers! — July 27, 2009 @ 4:00 pm | Reply


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